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Unfortunately, I know all about pregnancy loss. I had a
miscarriage with my first pregnancy (prior to my
daughter), and my first son was born still at 41.5 wks.
There's nothing that can prepare you for any of this.
The one thing that I have found helpful with both of my
losses has been finding people that understand. Its
pretty easy to find people that have been through a
miscarriage...1 in 5 pregnancies end in
miscarriage...chances are that a good number of people
you know have dealt with this. And they all seem to come
out of the woodwork when something like this
happens...people will come up to you and tell you
they've had a miscarriage, and it may or may not be
comforting to you.
My miscarriage experience: I miscarried
my first child at 9 and a half wks, but the ultrasound
showed h/she had stopped growing at 6 and a half weeks.
This was a fully planned, very wanted child that just
devastated us when he/she was lost. We went in for a routine
checkup and ultrasound and they could find no heartbeat.
I then had to wait a whole day for another more thorough
ultrasound (an agonizing wait, during which time I came
to accept that the baby was dead), which confirmed the
pregnancy loss. I then had a natural miscarriage...my
body started the work itself later that night, I
believe...and I ended up in the ER in excruciating pain
and lots of bleeding & vomiting. A follow-up visit
showed that I still had tissue inside me which needed to
come out, so we opted for a D & C to speed up the
process so that we could try again to get pregnant
sooner. (The doctor told us that sometimes it can take
months for all the tissue to be expelled and I didn't
want to have to wait that long.) We then waited 2 cycles
(dr said to wait 3, but we only waited 2 to start trying
again), and on the 2nd cycle trying (3 months after my
miscarriage), we conceived our daughter. She is the only
thing that brought me out of my depression...once I made
it to the 2nd trimester, my sadness was replaced by such
a joy over the new life in me. And then after her birth,
the realization that this precious little girl wouldn't
have existed had we not lost our first (we never knew if
it was a boy or girl), really helped as well.
My stillbirth experience: We lost our
son in April 2004. It was just devastating. There was no
warning, no reason that we could find. He had heart
decelerations which were within the range of normal but
from the moment he came out fully he had no heartbeat
and never even tried to breathe. Autopsy results showed
a healthy baby.
I
had an uneventful pregnancy, other than being strep B
positive, which is very common. We had no inkling that
anything would go so terribly wrong. He kicked me all
the way through labor and even when I was pushing him
out!! We had very raw emotions over this and it was a
long time before we were really happy again. Fifteen
months after we lost Baelin, we had his brother, Tyren
(TEER-en). His birth has been healing for me, but I will
never forget nor stop wishing it could have been
different with Baelin.
What doesn't help: For those reading
this that have not dealt with the loss of a child, I'll
tell you some things NOT to say.
It
doesn't help to hear "he's in a better place"...what
better place is there than his mother's arms? No matter
what your belief, this does NOT help a mom to hear he's
in a better place...he's NOT!
It
doesn't help to hear "you can have other babies"...no
child can or should ever replace another. They are all
individual, precious and special. Even though I so
desperately wanted to have another child, it was not to
replace Baelin...he will always be in my heart. I will
always mourn for what could have been.
It
doesn't help to hear "you will be with him again"....I
WANT TO BE WITH HIM NOW!!! No matter what my beliefs,
he's not here now and I don't care about anything but
now!
It
doesn't help to hear "at least you didn't get to know
him"...I DID get to know him...he grew inside me for
9months! I felt him move every day. Now granted, I do
agree it would have been harder to have spent time with
him outside my womb and to have seen him move, hear him
cry, etc...hearing this still does not help.
Local Support:
This is a local organization that I have learned about
since the death of my son. I found it very helpful to
talk to one of their people on the phone when we were
agonizing over whether or not to view our son's body one
last time, after an autopsy had been done. (We did
decide to see him and I have not regretted it. It was a
hard thing to see, but I am so very glad I did.) They
have an infant loss support group for couples that we
found very helpful, as well as a group for moms pregnant
after loss that I also benefited from.
Angel Babies of Hinds Hospice
1616 W. Shaw Ave., Suite B-6, Fresno
559-226-5683
The intent of this program is to offer perinatal hospice
services and grief support services to families. Support
services may include home visits, periodic phone calls,
and bereavement mailings. Written materials may be
provided. |
